Fuck~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry to start things in bad way… in pissy mood at the moment >:(

I'm done with my home ec exam, and yes it was crap. I was grating orange rinds and then I ended up grating my finger! And it stings~~ ><

Everything is so messed up at the moment, I'll be leaving for Sydney trip in 2 days time and as soon as I get back, I'll be going back to Taiwan. I won't be able to talk to NG bubz on msn or share her worries! I won't be able to talk to mummy and daddy! I won't be able to hug & kiss Chao ><

So~ I feel like my life at this point in time is pretty much a big fail~~ like the following picture xD

YuMi

Heya~ I've finally finished my maths B exam plus handed in my Chemistry EEI!!! Time to celebrate~~ =D

Well, nothing much for today. I just saw a very sweet quote and thought I might share it around ^^

"If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they'd never ask you to" –anonymous <3

YuMi

I really should be studying, but I really don't understand Chemistry so I've decided to rant about my weekend (including Friday).

Okay, so 2 exams are down… 4 more to go! I'll be done with 2 of my most hated subject tomorrow (and yes, maths B is one of them) so that should take some stress off myself for a bit. Wait…. Let me correct myself~ I have 4 more exams + 2 QCS practice (One in the morning before I leave Brisbane for Yr 12 Sydney Trip). So basically I have a really packed week… to top that up, I'll be boarding a plane back to TW the next day I get back from Sydney (let's hope I won't get sky-sick). Now get back to the original topic! I've been studying maths for the whole weekend now and believe or not I still don't get it~ *panics*. So I'm going to fail maths, don't even bother mentioning the Chemistry EEI which is also due tomorrow. Hmmm…. Sounds like another all nighter to me, like the one I pulled the night before my SOR assignment was due. This means more coffee!!!

The worse part of my weekend probably isn't the school work and study. It was more on the Swine Flu vaccine I got today. My bubz NG~ who told me that this vaccine REALLY STINGS totally freaked me out. Good thing though was when I got there I saw a lot of little kids who came out and none of them were crying…. Good sign right? So I filled out the form and waited for my term. My number was called; I walked in, sat down and "tried" to relax. And guess what the nurse did?! She told me to imagine that I was sitting on the beach and watching the waves (not very convincing is it?). Then I felt this tiny sting and I waited for the numb… never came! It was done within a short amount of time it was over and I didn't feel the numbness in the muscle area~~ no wonder all the kids were silence. Yeah well… it wasn't until later that afternoon until my arms gets all sore! So Angie was sort of right~ It's the worse vaccine EVER!!!

Saturday… a long day I must admit! First thing in the morning was driving… nothing I look forward to because I've been feeling really bad that I'm always giving my instruction heart attacks every time he sits in the car that I'm driving. I stalled in the middle of busy streets, almost drove into parked cars several times and almost reversed into poles. Now to make myself even more nervous, I got a passenger that morning! I'm freaked out enough having to face all the things on the big road, let alone having someone sitting behind me and watching all my action… I fail~~~! I did end up stalling the car in the middle of Logan road… dangerous! When I drop my 'passenger' off at his destination, he got out of the car and exhaled DEEPLY. Congratulations, you have just survived Jenny's epic fail driving xD. Well, just barely!

After my lesson was over, I wondered around Garden City. Stalked on Michael while he was eating his lunch… just so you know, I didn't do it intentionally, I swear! I got my lunch from Maccas and found myself a table. And then when I looked up after taking a sip at my drink I saw that familiar figure munching away at his KFC… LOL!!! About 10 min, Charlie walked past and noticed me~ sat down and talked until it was my time to go to North Shore~ 1 and a half hr of bludging and the class was over! I went home and procrastinated for the rest of the day~ xD

So there you go… boring rant on my boring weekend or… the crap that bores the crap out of crap! And by the way, I found this hilarious picture on facebook… thought I might share is around~ and you will go to hell for laughing at it~~ I'm going to hell for sure now xD

Until next time~ Ciao~ =]

YuMi

Confusion, depression and frustration.

To be more precise, I currently am confused with mix feelings. Penny if you are reading this, you will be shocked about it… Angie if you are reading this, I want you to know that I am prepared to take that risk, because I know he is worth it.

Everything is cramped together, in this short amount of time. Above all things, I am most certain that my battle with the exams is going to be fierce. It's only a day away, one more day to remember all my lines. One more day to prepare my entire PowerPoint's. One more day, until all my frustrations reach its peak. One more day, until we find out if I will really collapse. One more day…
I can never emphasize enough about what is on my mind. I just feel like a freak… if I was ever certain about something, I was certain about the following:

• NG; carries my burden, confiscate my tears, the one and only… irreplaceable!
  
• Penny; younger than me, but more mature. The best listener and secret keeper.
  
• Chao; owns my heart, holds the perfect key to it, irresistible.
  
• Shaunna & Alex; support me through all odds, always there for me… mummy and daddy!
  
• B.T, J.F; I'm sorry…
  

I cannot imagine the kind of reaction I'm going to get from people when they hear about this, most will be shocked, surprise/not surprise and even disappointed. 3 weeks ago, I face myself, telling myself that I cannot keep running away from the truth. The truth is… my heart stay with the very same person all along, it's like it has glued itself to him. I told myself I have to move on… but I can't. I told myself I have to let go… but I can't. I told myself….. It's impossible. Even after the connection was cut, I still had a one way connection. I missed him, the times we've spend together; watching fireworks, talk, laugh, hug and kiss. I feel safe holding his hand, I feel secure in his arms. He, to me, is simply irresistible. I can truly say, with all my heart, I love him… unconditionally.

YuMi

I never thought I'd have to make such decision, such decision where it involves hurting someone. My heart pondered what to do? Either way, avoiding it isn't going to help. I can't keep hiding from it forever; I have to stop running away. As bad as it's going to get, I have to make things clear before they get worse, before the damage becomes more server. I can't quite imagine what would happen, but my instinct told me… this will hurt a lot.

Upon the moment I received the letter, my head spined. The wave of nausea hit me, taking my breath away. I glanced down at the piece of paper folded in half in my now trembling hand. I knew this was coming, one way or the other. And yet, I don't have a single clue as what to do, or, how to do it. I checked my watch… recess now; I have 2 classes to think up some sort of solution. But my mind went instantly blank, as I collected my equipments and headed for maths. I felt that all my energies were drained from me, my head suddenly felt so heavy as I slowly scheme through the first couple of sentence on the paper. WHAM! Another wave of nausea. I couldn't go on, I folded the paper back in half and slid it though my diary between my diary pages. I spent half of the maths class contemplating whether to open the letter again. Looking down at my diary on the floor, I bit my lips. Can't keep avoiding it, I told myself. So I reached down to pick up the diary and pulled out the same piece of paper. I took a deep breath, and opened it. My eyes raced through the lines all the way to the second paragraph. And then I stopped again, shutting the piece of paper back into my diary instantly. I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking hard… mind still blank. By the time maths was over, I still haven't come up with some sort of response.

Chemistry… aka bludging class. Instead of working on my report, I spent the whole class in front of my laptop; staring at the dark screen of nothingness, trying my best to ooze out that little bit of idea from my brain. Again, nothing came up. At the same time, Steph, who noticed my unusual silence since maths, strode over to stand next to me. I expressed things in a couple of short sentences; she was clever enough to understand it. She ended up spending most of her time trying to talk me out of my misery. Making me think that I should just tell the truth, if I had no other choice. The thing was, I didn't have much choice either. I then plucked up some courage to finish what I have started on the letter. After finishing off the last paragraph, my heart felt heavy, and my eyes were warm and watery. This was going to be much worse than I had expected. Not in what's going to happen to me, but about what I'm going to have to do once this class ends. About what may or may not decide what happens to an innocent, sweet person who I consider a very close friend.

The bell went, and my heart sank. I'm about to do something I regard as a 'crime', smashing a heart into a million small pieces. I sat in the library, anxious… worried. To basically take away the hope of a person who had affection for you is not exactly simple. It's cruel and horrible. I'm about to become the most horrible person than I ever was. When I saw a familiar figured walked through the library door, my whole body tightened. I swallowed, took a deep breath and stood up from my seat. As I walked closer to him, I saw a pair of glistening, hopeful eyes. A smile full of joy. I felt sick at that instant. I'm about to wipe that hopeful smile from his face. I looked at him again… the words got stuck at my throat. I pushed all my strength out from my body and whispered "I'm sorry". At that moment, the smile disappeared. It turned to a shocking face, his eyes looking down. I had a feeling that I had just killed someone; I have just stopped a beating heart. I walked him out, started explaining everything, all the reason I can think of rushed into my mind and came out of my mouth. All he did was listened in silence, nodding occasionally, still looking down with great disappointment. I tried my best to cheer him up again… I start talking normal. Until the bell went, I thought things were back into the normal state again.

After he'd left, I walked back into the library to get my laptop. Steph was standing beside my laptop, looking at me with worried eyes. I broke down… I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The feelings finally hit me. The guilt and the pain… all rushed into me, controlling my feelings. I left the library and headed for my bag to collect my biology things, the grade 11's happened to have a class at where my bag is. Chao watched me, about to ask me what had happened… I shook my head, unable to answer. Alex saw my red eyes; I ran towards him and cried as he held me, telling me I did the right thing. I nodded slowly, still sobbing. I knew this was going to hurt, but I never realised that it was going to hurt this much until I actually felt it. The words in his letter, the hope in his eyes… and whatever is left of him now. Thinking about all that, I ended up running out of biology class… not able to hold in the tears. I hated myself; I hated the fact that I'm so selfish, so cruel. Hated the fact that I can no longer fit another person into my heart, hate that I didn't even give him a chance. Even know I wonder… will I ever see a smile on his face again?

YuMi