Sunday, March 14, 2010

I never thought I'd have to make such decision, such decision where it involves hurting someone. My heart pondered what to do? Either way, avoiding it isn't going to help. I can't keep hiding from it forever; I have to stop running away. As bad as it's going to get, I have to make things clear before they get worse, before the damage becomes more server. I can't quite imagine what would happen, but my instinct told me… this will hurt a lot.

Upon the moment I received the letter, my head spined. The wave of nausea hit me, taking my breath away. I glanced down at the piece of paper folded in half in my now trembling hand. I knew this was coming, one way or the other. And yet, I don't have a single clue as what to do, or, how to do it. I checked my watch… recess now; I have 2 classes to think up some sort of solution. But my mind went instantly blank, as I collected my equipments and headed for maths. I felt that all my energies were drained from me, my head suddenly felt so heavy as I slowly scheme through the first couple of sentence on the paper. WHAM! Another wave of nausea. I couldn't go on, I folded the paper back in half and slid it though my diary between my diary pages. I spent half of the maths class contemplating whether to open the letter again. Looking down at my diary on the floor, I bit my lips. Can't keep avoiding it, I told myself. So I reached down to pick up the diary and pulled out the same piece of paper. I took a deep breath, and opened it. My eyes raced through the lines all the way to the second paragraph. And then I stopped again, shutting the piece of paper back into my diary instantly. I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking hard… mind still blank. By the time maths was over, I still haven't come up with some sort of response.

Chemistry… aka bludging class. Instead of working on my report, I spent the whole class in front of my laptop; staring at the dark screen of nothingness, trying my best to ooze out that little bit of idea from my brain. Again, nothing came up. At the same time, Steph, who noticed my unusual silence since maths, strode over to stand next to me. I expressed things in a couple of short sentences; she was clever enough to understand it. She ended up spending most of her time trying to talk me out of my misery. Making me think that I should just tell the truth, if I had no other choice. The thing was, I didn't have much choice either. I then plucked up some courage to finish what I have started on the letter. After finishing off the last paragraph, my heart felt heavy, and my eyes were warm and watery. This was going to be much worse than I had expected. Not in what's going to happen to me, but about what I'm going to have to do once this class ends. About what may or may not decide what happens to an innocent, sweet person who I consider a very close friend.

The bell went, and my heart sank. I'm about to do something I regard as a 'crime', smashing a heart into a million small pieces. I sat in the library, anxious… worried. To basically take away the hope of a person who had affection for you is not exactly simple. It's cruel and horrible. I'm about to become the most horrible person than I ever was. When I saw a familiar figured walked through the library door, my whole body tightened. I swallowed, took a deep breath and stood up from my seat. As I walked closer to him, I saw a pair of glistening, hopeful eyes. A smile full of joy. I felt sick at that instant. I'm about to wipe that hopeful smile from his face. I looked at him again… the words got stuck at my throat. I pushed all my strength out from my body and whispered "I'm sorry". At that moment, the smile disappeared. It turned to a shocking face, his eyes looking down. I had a feeling that I had just killed someone; I have just stopped a beating heart. I walked him out, started explaining everything, all the reason I can think of rushed into my mind and came out of my mouth. All he did was listened in silence, nodding occasionally, still looking down with great disappointment. I tried my best to cheer him up again… I start talking normal. Until the bell went, I thought things were back into the normal state again.

After he'd left, I walked back into the library to get my laptop. Steph was standing beside my laptop, looking at me with worried eyes. I broke down… I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The feelings finally hit me. The guilt and the pain… all rushed into me, controlling my feelings. I left the library and headed for my bag to collect my biology things, the grade 11's happened to have a class at where my bag is. Chao watched me, about to ask me what had happened… I shook my head, unable to answer. Alex saw my red eyes; I ran towards him and cried as he held me, telling me I did the right thing. I nodded slowly, still sobbing. I knew this was going to hurt, but I never realised that it was going to hurt this much until I actually felt it. The words in his letter, the hope in his eyes… and whatever is left of him now. Thinking about all that, I ended up running out of biology class… not able to hold in the tears. I hated myself; I hated the fact that I'm so selfish, so cruel. Hated the fact that I can no longer fit another person into my heart, hate that I didn't even give him a chance. Even know I wonder… will I ever see a smile on his face again?

YuMi