Wednesday, May 27, 2009
♥ The past, the present and the future
My past was full of regretful things, my present is filled with many hateful moments and my future will be nothing but a blur. You cannot make time go faster, nor can you rewind it or stop it, it’s not a DVD player, it’s just reality.
If you can honestly say that you’ve never regret anything you have done in you whole entire life, I’d congratulate because you are either God, too positive or just plain insane. I can tell you about my past but it would be entirely up to you whether you want to believe it or not. Still, it’s the truth what I’ve been through til this moment, you can consider me making it all up… but the thing is, you sometimes have to experience it yourself to know what it’s really like…
My childhood was not all exactly pleasant. Physical punishment had started for me before I even went to kindy. My dad had been strict to me ever since I was little; his expectations for me were high, in fact too high for me to handle. I remember knocking a bucket of paint over when I was about 5. I remember seeing his angry face as he charged towards me and yelled out “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?”After he cleaned up the mess he called me to his room and told me to shut the door. He made me hold out my little palm as he took a long and thick wire from the corner of the room, and then he struck my palm with that wire until his anger slowly faded out. My palms were so red that night that I couldn’t even hold my bowl and spoon properly that my mum had to feed me. I sobbed and sniffled as I chewed on each mouthful of my dinner. After that night, I never wanted to go near a paint bucket again.
As I grew older the method that my dad used to punish me became more and more terrifying, he would hit me with anything he can find; computer wires as a wipe, for example. To avoid any of these ‘weapons’, I have to always do well academically. But despite all my hard work, the result could never meet his standard, and this is when the part I hate the most comes in. He’d make me squad down and hold my arms out in front of me. Indeed a very awkward position and believe you do not want to stay in this position for long, you arms and legs would start to warn out and you’d start to struggle to keep the position. While I was in that position my dad will always be sitting in a comfy chair in front of me and push my arms up whenever they lowered themselves because they were too tired, my tears would always form a puddle of water on the floor as he kept on blabbing about how good he used to do at school and that he was ashamed of me.
I used to cry and cry until I have no voice left, I didn’t think I deserve all this, was I being target for being a girl? Because my brother never got any of the treatments I did. And I still don’t understand why my mum had never try to defend me, for some reason she was never around when the beating was in process. Why?
My dad never left any scars or distinguishable marks on me when he hit me with whatever he had then, it’ll just be red and swollen for that night and unbearable sting the next day. I was too scared to tells anyone about this, even my own best friend. But the worse never seem to stop coming.
By the time I was in grade 4, belting was introduced to me. It has been one of my biggest fears. Showing dad my test results and report cards were always hard since I knew I would get the belt treatment after he had seen them. The standard, when it comes to exams in Taiwan were extremely high, if your outcome is below 80%, you considered as fail. I’ve always tried to keep myself out of that danger zone and go above 90% in my exams, but it seems that I was always out of luck! After what felt like endless moments of squadding position (which was nothing less than ‘torture’), my dad took a thick and long belt from his closet and wrapped one end on his right hand, leaving the rest bit dangling. He grabbed my wrist so I couldn't escape as he exercised the belt in his right hand against my back body. Each time the belt came in contact with my body I experienced the stinging and burning pain over and over again. No matter how much I tried to dodge his attack, how hard I screamd and how hard I apologized, I was helpless.
That was the last but worse time my dad had beaten me, I was in Australia just a couple of days after the belting. My whole back body, arms and legs were covered with green and purple bruises. For about a week I slept on my stomach and wore long sleeve shirts and pants so that no one can see the brutal belt mark that I didn’t even want to see myself. I felt relieved though, that he didn’t come to Australia with the rest of my family, I had a taste of what it felt like to be relaxed.
That was a long time ago (6 years), but it’s something I probably won’t be able to forget. The pains, the difficulties and the pressures were way too much for a grade 4 girl to handle and as I think about it now, I have no idea how I’ve managed to make it this far. Was it really God’s plan for me to go through all that? Did he really want me to have a bad childhood that I would always want to forget? These are the questions I have that’ll never have an answer. ..
Now as I said, these are the fact and truth. Believe or not… it’s your choice!
YuMi
If you can honestly say that you’ve never regret anything you have done in you whole entire life, I’d congratulate because you are either God, too positive or just plain insane. I can tell you about my past but it would be entirely up to you whether you want to believe it or not. Still, it’s the truth what I’ve been through til this moment, you can consider me making it all up… but the thing is, you sometimes have to experience it yourself to know what it’s really like…
My childhood was not all exactly pleasant. Physical punishment had started for me before I even went to kindy. My dad had been strict to me ever since I was little; his expectations for me were high, in fact too high for me to handle. I remember knocking a bucket of paint over when I was about 5. I remember seeing his angry face as he charged towards me and yelled out “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?”After he cleaned up the mess he called me to his room and told me to shut the door. He made me hold out my little palm as he took a long and thick wire from the corner of the room, and then he struck my palm with that wire until his anger slowly faded out. My palms were so red that night that I couldn’t even hold my bowl and spoon properly that my mum had to feed me. I sobbed and sniffled as I chewed on each mouthful of my dinner. After that night, I never wanted to go near a paint bucket again.
As I grew older the method that my dad used to punish me became more and more terrifying, he would hit me with anything he can find; computer wires as a wipe, for example. To avoid any of these ‘weapons’, I have to always do well academically. But despite all my hard work, the result could never meet his standard, and this is when the part I hate the most comes in. He’d make me squad down and hold my arms out in front of me. Indeed a very awkward position and believe you do not want to stay in this position for long, you arms and legs would start to warn out and you’d start to struggle to keep the position. While I was in that position my dad will always be sitting in a comfy chair in front of me and push my arms up whenever they lowered themselves because they were too tired, my tears would always form a puddle of water on the floor as he kept on blabbing about how good he used to do at school and that he was ashamed of me.
I used to cry and cry until I have no voice left, I didn’t think I deserve all this, was I being target for being a girl? Because my brother never got any of the treatments I did. And I still don’t understand why my mum had never try to defend me, for some reason she was never around when the beating was in process. Why?
My dad never left any scars or distinguishable marks on me when he hit me with whatever he had then, it’ll just be red and swollen for that night and unbearable sting the next day. I was too scared to tells anyone about this, even my own best friend. But the worse never seem to stop coming.
By the time I was in grade 4, belting was introduced to me. It has been one of my biggest fears. Showing dad my test results and report cards were always hard since I knew I would get the belt treatment after he had seen them. The standard, when it comes to exams in Taiwan were extremely high, if your outcome is below 80%, you considered as fail. I’ve always tried to keep myself out of that danger zone and go above 90% in my exams, but it seems that I was always out of luck! After what felt like endless moments of squadding position (which was nothing less than ‘torture’), my dad took a thick and long belt from his closet and wrapped one end on his right hand, leaving the rest bit dangling. He grabbed my wrist so I couldn't escape as he exercised the belt in his right hand against my back body. Each time the belt came in contact with my body I experienced the stinging and burning pain over and over again. No matter how much I tried to dodge his attack, how hard I screamd and how hard I apologized, I was helpless.
That was the last but worse time my dad had beaten me, I was in Australia just a couple of days after the belting. My whole back body, arms and legs were covered with green and purple bruises. For about a week I slept on my stomach and wore long sleeve shirts and pants so that no one can see the brutal belt mark that I didn’t even want to see myself. I felt relieved though, that he didn’t come to Australia with the rest of my family, I had a taste of what it felt like to be relaxed.
That was a long time ago (6 years), but it’s something I probably won’t be able to forget. The pains, the difficulties and the pressures were way too much for a grade 4 girl to handle and as I think about it now, I have no idea how I’ve managed to make it this far. Was it really God’s plan for me to go through all that? Did he really want me to have a bad childhood that I would always want to forget? These are the questions I have that’ll never have an answer. ..
Now as I said, these are the fact and truth. Believe or not… it’s your choice!
YuMi
Labels: YuMi
7:22 PM
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
♥ The Daylight Rule~!?
Most students these days would probably know this topic… the so called ‘One-Meter rule’. I must admit, it never bugged me back in grade 10 and the main reason being I don’t really have a ‘Lover’, just a handful of guy friends including Nathan, Daniel and Alex. But now I’m definitely getting annoyed by it! So far, I have been told by 6 teachers and 1 yr 12 prefect and I don't think I can take it anymore!
What is the point of this rule anyway?! So you give a person that’s opposite sex to you a cuddle, it’s not like that will lead to anything sexual or inappropriate! I don’t see the difference it’s going to make if boys do stay 1 meter apart from girls, anyone who knows please leave tell me the reason WHY!!?? Tell me before I burst into flame!!!
I sometimes feel like punching the teachers in the face, stuff their mouth with exam papers, and tie them to a pole with a sign saying ‘Stay 1m away from me!’ And then egg them. It’s not that I’m an evil student as our deputy principal referred to this morning, I just can’t stand the way they put rules together. The most stupid rule so far would be getting diaries signed every week by our parents like primary kids. For most of the times, the rules are simply pointless. Rules like; the uniform pass, another role mark after school, wearing hats everywhere you go considering who ever designed that piece of crap has got a bad taste when it comes to fashion. And too many things that go on and on. I often wonder if the teachers are trying to make us hate them because that is only theory that make sense to me, I can’t think of anything other reasons why they would do this since I don’t see how that will increase the standard of our school. Can I get an Amen?xD
Anyway, the whole point of this entry is that they should get rid of that bullcrap. If you do NOT agree with me please leave a comment and tell me WHY?!?!?!
Other than that... Bye for now~~!!!
YuMi
What is the point of this rule anyway?! So you give a person that’s opposite sex to you a cuddle, it’s not like that will lead to anything sexual or inappropriate! I don’t see the difference it’s going to make if boys do stay 1 meter apart from girls, anyone who knows please leave tell me the reason WHY!!?? Tell me before I burst into flame!!!
I sometimes feel like punching the teachers in the face, stuff their mouth with exam papers, and tie them to a pole with a sign saying ‘Stay 1m away from me!’ And then egg them. It’s not that I’m an evil student as our deputy principal referred to this morning, I just can’t stand the way they put rules together. The most stupid rule so far would be getting diaries signed every week by our parents like primary kids. For most of the times, the rules are simply pointless. Rules like; the uniform pass, another role mark after school, wearing hats everywhere you go considering who ever designed that piece of crap has got a bad taste when it comes to fashion. And too many things that go on and on. I often wonder if the teachers are trying to make us hate them because that is only theory that make sense to me, I can’t think of anything other reasons why they would do this since I don’t see how that will increase the standard of our school. Can I get an Amen?xD
Anyway, the whole point of this entry is that they should get rid of that bullcrap. If you do NOT agree with me please leave a comment and tell me WHY?!?!?!
Other than that... Bye for now~~!!!
YuMi
Labels: crap rules, Daylight
5:36 PM
Friday, May 22, 2009
♥ A little about me and my other half~!
2 months may sound short but it felt like years for me and Chao. A lot had happened in the past 2 months. The good, the bad, the happy and the sad were all crunched together in the short amount of time. And each day, I pondered…Are we going to make it?
For those who know me enough, they’d know that this has been the 2nd time I’d dated him. The previous relationship was all the way back at 2007. Although that relationship had lasted for the length of 4 months, nothing had happened. When I say nothing I mean nothing. The main reason being that he was overseas for more than half of the 4 months. And because of that when he’d came back there was this awkward feeling between us. Even so, I was madly in love with him, but it was the opposite for him. The feeling had slowly faded away due to the lack of communication. I knew it then that it had became meaningless. That I had to let him go because going on like this would be painful for both of us. Painful for him that he had to stay with a girl that he no longer had any feelings for and painful for me that I still want to stay with him while knowing the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore.
It had cut me deep when I had to end the relationship before I fall deeper, before it was too late. I could still remember clearly the day it had ended, 1st November 2007. I had it all planned out; after school, at the bus stop. As I walked toward him I felt my heart pounded against my rib cage. He noticed me and turned around to face me and looked at me curiously, the look in his eyes were so innocent that it almost made me swallow my words back down to my stomach. I said it! He didn’t look surprised, nor was he shocked.
“Okay,” was all he said.
Walking back to my bus my eyes were burning, tears welled up in my eyes and the vision in front of me became a blur. It was the first time when I understood what it felt like to be heart broken. For the rest of that week he acted like I don’t even exist, he looked somehow… relieved!
I was lucky that I had the whole end of year holiday to cry over it and put myself back together. I had to get over him, I told myself, I must! Before I become a suicidal emo. For 1 year and 2 months I have done many stupid things to make myself forget about him, the worse one of all was probably dating another person who I had no feelings for. I was using this person as a distraction from Chao (now I feel guilty). It had turned out that none of my stupid method works. On top of that Chao had forgotten all about me and was happy in another relationship. I don’t blame him. I can’t blame anyone but me, I was the one who doesn’t deserve to have him and he deserves better. With that thought in mind I felt better; I needed to be happy knowing that he lived a better life without me. But the pain still lingered within me as the year 2008 flew past me.
2009, grade 11, OP, future and career. I needed a new start. I needed to leave the old thoughts and the past behind so that I can focus more on planning my future. But life is just too unpredictable. Miracles came to my rescue when all my hopes were gone. Everyone who’s been to B.A.C would know that Valentine’s Day is a very special occasion at this school. On this day, the class room would be surrounded by pink and red and white gifts that represent love. When I went to place in my order for the presents butterflies were banging against the wall of my stomach. I didn’t have the guts to write my own name on the message paper, instead I wrote “Y” for YuMi.
Let’s hope that’s not going to be too obvious, I thought to myself as I dropped the envelope into the box.
It turned out that I didn’t even have to put down anything down for him to realize that it was from me, because his “best friend” (who I don’t trust anymore, jokes) had told him my little plan. I remember walking pass his class room and spotted him with a pink heart shaped balloon. He looked up and saw me and for the first time in 1 year he grinned at me. At that moment, I felt complete.
“ I pray for this heart to be unbroken, but without you all I’m going to be is incomplete~” Backstreet Boys – Incomplete
YuMi
For those who know me enough, they’d know that this has been the 2nd time I’d dated him. The previous relationship was all the way back at 2007. Although that relationship had lasted for the length of 4 months, nothing had happened. When I say nothing I mean nothing. The main reason being that he was overseas for more than half of the 4 months. And because of that when he’d came back there was this awkward feeling between us. Even so, I was madly in love with him, but it was the opposite for him. The feeling had slowly faded away due to the lack of communication. I knew it then that it had became meaningless. That I had to let him go because going on like this would be painful for both of us. Painful for him that he had to stay with a girl that he no longer had any feelings for and painful for me that I still want to stay with him while knowing the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore.
It had cut me deep when I had to end the relationship before I fall deeper, before it was too late. I could still remember clearly the day it had ended, 1st November 2007. I had it all planned out; after school, at the bus stop. As I walked toward him I felt my heart pounded against my rib cage. He noticed me and turned around to face me and looked at me curiously, the look in his eyes were so innocent that it almost made me swallow my words back down to my stomach. I said it! He didn’t look surprised, nor was he shocked.
“Okay,” was all he said.
Walking back to my bus my eyes were burning, tears welled up in my eyes and the vision in front of me became a blur. It was the first time when I understood what it felt like to be heart broken. For the rest of that week he acted like I don’t even exist, he looked somehow… relieved!
I was lucky that I had the whole end of year holiday to cry over it and put myself back together. I had to get over him, I told myself, I must! Before I become a suicidal emo. For 1 year and 2 months I have done many stupid things to make myself forget about him, the worse one of all was probably dating another person who I had no feelings for. I was using this person as a distraction from Chao (now I feel guilty). It had turned out that none of my stupid method works. On top of that Chao had forgotten all about me and was happy in another relationship. I don’t blame him. I can’t blame anyone but me, I was the one who doesn’t deserve to have him and he deserves better. With that thought in mind I felt better; I needed to be happy knowing that he lived a better life without me. But the pain still lingered within me as the year 2008 flew past me.
2009, grade 11, OP, future and career. I needed a new start. I needed to leave the old thoughts and the past behind so that I can focus more on planning my future. But life is just too unpredictable. Miracles came to my rescue when all my hopes were gone. Everyone who’s been to B.A.C would know that Valentine’s Day is a very special occasion at this school. On this day, the class room would be surrounded by pink and red and white gifts that represent love. When I went to place in my order for the presents butterflies were banging against the wall of my stomach. I didn’t have the guts to write my own name on the message paper, instead I wrote “Y” for YuMi.
Let’s hope that’s not going to be too obvious, I thought to myself as I dropped the envelope into the box.
It turned out that I didn’t even have to put down anything down for him to realize that it was from me, because his “best friend” (who I don’t trust anymore, jokes) had told him my little plan. I remember walking pass his class room and spotted him with a pink heart shaped balloon. He looked up and saw me and for the first time in 1 year he grinned at me. At that moment, I felt complete.
“ I pray for this heart to be unbroken, but without you all I’m going to be is incomplete~” Backstreet Boys – Incomplete
YuMi
Labels: YuMi
10:42 PM
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
♥ Rainy week~!
This week's weather would be a perfect sort of weather in Forks, cold and wet (Twilight much? xD). Most boys said that they liked the weather, I personally hated it.
As most people who catchs bus to school/work might understand that the bus schedule will be really messed up during rainy days and you'd usually be late because of the traffic jam. Well, the B.A.C school is no exception. As the matter of fact, the schedule for our school bus is really F**KED up. I ended up standing in the rain for 20 minutes with my umbrella almost got blew open by the icy wind... Not a good way to start a day, is it? And to top that up, I'd forgotten to bring my mp3 which meant I was standing in the rain and staring desperately at the corner of the road where the bus would turn onto Warrigal Rd.
So I was standing there in the freezingly cold rain while my teeth chattered away uncontrollably. Obviously, the outfit I was dressed were not enough to keep me warm. No jumper/ jacket, the gloves and the scarf were useless against the strong wind and the chilly rain, not to mention the shoes that were already pretty wet. For a moment I thought I was gonna swear out loud but my teeth made it kind of impossible for that. So I just stared across the rain to the corner of the road. Moments passed, and after 20 minutes of staring I finally saw it! I saw the white and all fogged up B.A.C bus turned from Underwood Rd onto Warrigal Rd.
About time, I mutteref under my breath.
The trip to school was unusually quiet. All you could hear is the occasional soft giggling and laughing noises coming from and Dennis and Bianca (I wasn’t eavesdropping!!!). But other than that, it was quiet… Too quiet~!
Anyway, the whole story basically describes how much a hated the rain… So I think I know how Bella felt when she first went to Forks (LOL). If you ever get to see me standing outside in the cold, stand about 2 meters from me and you can hear my teeth chattering audibly and my lips turn pale white like a zombie… But until then, I’ll talk to you later~~!
YuMi
As most people who catchs bus to school/work might understand that the bus schedule will be really messed up during rainy days and you'd usually be late because of the traffic jam. Well, the B.A.C school is no exception. As the matter of fact, the schedule for our school bus is really F**KED up. I ended up standing in the rain for 20 minutes with my umbrella almost got blew open by the icy wind... Not a good way to start a day, is it? And to top that up, I'd forgotten to bring my mp3 which meant I was standing in the rain and staring desperately at the corner of the road where the bus would turn onto Warrigal Rd.
So I was standing there in the freezingly cold rain while my teeth chattered away uncontrollably. Obviously, the outfit I was dressed were not enough to keep me warm. No jumper/ jacket, the gloves and the scarf were useless against the strong wind and the chilly rain, not to mention the shoes that were already pretty wet. For a moment I thought I was gonna swear out loud but my teeth made it kind of impossible for that. So I just stared across the rain to the corner of the road. Moments passed, and after 20 minutes of staring I finally saw it! I saw the white and all fogged up B.A.C bus turned from Underwood Rd onto Warrigal Rd.
About time, I mutteref under my breath.
The trip to school was unusually quiet. All you could hear is the occasional soft giggling and laughing noises coming from and Dennis and Bianca (I wasn’t eavesdropping!!!). But other than that, it was quiet… Too quiet~!
Anyway, the whole story basically describes how much a hated the rain… So I think I know how Bella felt when she first went to Forks (LOL). If you ever get to see me standing outside in the cold, stand about 2 meters from me and you can hear my teeth chattering audibly and my lips turn pale white like a zombie… But until then, I’ll talk to you later~~!
YuMi
9:05 PM
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
♥ Does the truth always make you suffer?
There will always be times for you and your "other half" has a heart to heart chat. Well, this one is about my convo went....
The chat was about his ex.... This might sound a bit retarded, talking about your boyfriend's ex but it's just a way that I use to understand him a bit more.
Okay, so it's time for us to confess things about our pass. I had found out how much he had valued her in his life and I kind of admired him for that, for the way he describe things so deep. It surprised me, that the way he spoke about her, the looks in his eyes made me bit very hard on my inner lips as I tried my best to force a smile on my face.
To be honest, I envied this girl. She had everything that I couldn't have then. Looks, personality and most importantly, him. She had his heart, the one I had tried so hard to hang on to, slipped from my grip and flew to her. She was his first true love...
I was the one asking the questions in the first place, so I should be able to handle whatever he throws at me. But I couldn't. I simply couldn't when I realized how painful it was to discover the fact that he really had loved her. The feeling of jealousy burned inside me as I hid my balled-up fist behind my back and tried to sound happy. I had to accept the truth right? After all, there's nothing I can do about it, it's happened and I can't change the past.
What are you getting all jealous for? It's the past, it's gone. Idiot, I told myself.I asked about the whole thing because I thought I want to know about it, I want to know more about him, but right now, I don't know if I had made the right decision or not. Because Chao is the only person in this world who was able to take my heart and either cherish it or tare it into small pieces (mentally, of course) and this meant that I have to give it my all. To trust that he wouldn’t crush my heart, to trust myself that I can handle the truth.
From the looks of it, I didn’t handle to truth good enough…..
YuMi
The chat was about his ex.... This might sound a bit retarded, talking about your boyfriend's ex but it's just a way that I use to understand him a bit more.
Okay, so it's time for us to confess things about our pass. I had found out how much he had valued her in his life and I kind of admired him for that, for the way he describe things so deep. It surprised me, that the way he spoke about her, the looks in his eyes made me bit very hard on my inner lips as I tried my best to force a smile on my face.
To be honest, I envied this girl. She had everything that I couldn't have then. Looks, personality and most importantly, him. She had his heart, the one I had tried so hard to hang on to, slipped from my grip and flew to her. She was his first true love...
I was the one asking the questions in the first place, so I should be able to handle whatever he throws at me. But I couldn't. I simply couldn't when I realized how painful it was to discover the fact that he really had loved her. The feeling of jealousy burned inside me as I hid my balled-up fist behind my back and tried to sound happy. I had to accept the truth right? After all, there's nothing I can do about it, it's happened and I can't change the past.
What are you getting all jealous for? It's the past, it's gone. Idiot, I told myself.I asked about the whole thing because I thought I want to know about it, I want to know more about him, but right now, I don't know if I had made the right decision or not. Because Chao is the only person in this world who was able to take my heart and either cherish it or tare it into small pieces (mentally, of course) and this meant that I have to give it my all. To trust that he wouldn’t crush my heart, to trust myself that I can handle the truth.
From the looks of it, I didn’t handle to truth good enough…..
YuMi
5:41 PM
